This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
