Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
