Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
