My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
