She is in my trunk
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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