The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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