We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
