if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I need to align my fucking chakras
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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