I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
