he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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