so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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