everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize