I'll bet she douches with gravy.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
