can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
