What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
