My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
