Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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