There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
