WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
