update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
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He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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