so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
