If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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