you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
