I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
