I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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