I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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