I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
