using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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