Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
