By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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