I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
