There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
