I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
