I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
