Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Someone signed my nipple.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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