It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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