Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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