I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
