Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
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As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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