those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
