he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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