i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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