I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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