Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
