He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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