My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
