It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
