I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
