If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
