Already got asked if we're dating
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
