Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He has the fingertips of a God
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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