Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
