some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
