can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she peed on how many people?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
