the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
