Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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