My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
