dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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