quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Come on in and take your pants off
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