There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
this just has baby written all over it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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