btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
